By Meghan Phelan
There is a moment I have seen happen again and again with families.
A loved one’s health begins to decline, and without anyone officially deciding it, someone becomes the caregiver.
Maybe you are the daughter who lives closest. The spouse who has always handled things. The sibling with the more flexible job. Or simply the person everyone calls when something needs to be done.
At first, it may not even feel like caregiving.
You pick up groceries. You drive to an appointment. You start calling more often. Then the needs change, and suddenly you are coordinating care, making decisions, managing your own family and career, and trying to process what is happening emotionally.
I know this because I’ve spent nearly two decades working in elder care and walking alongside families through these transitions. As a caregiver advocate and Alzheimer’s educator, and through my work as the owner of Granny NANNIES of South Florida, I’ve heard many of the same worries:
Am I doing enough?
How do I know when we need more help?
How am I supposed to manage all of this?
Am I letting them down if I can’t do this myself?
If you are asking yourself those questions, there is something I wish more caregivers heard earlier:
You were never supposed to carry all of this alone.
Ask for Help Before You’re Desperate for It
One of the most common patterns I see is families waiting until they have reached their breaking point to ask for more support.
Usually, it comes from a good place. You love this person. You want to be there. Maybe you feel like caring for them is something your family should handle.
So you rearrange your schedule. You sleep a little less. You take another day off work. You tell yourself you’ll figure it out.
Until figuring it out becomes your entire life.
You don’t have to wait for a crisis to start talking about support.
Ask yourself: What would make this easier for everyone involved?
It might be professional caregiving support. It might be asking a sibling to take responsibility for certain tasks. It could be talking with your hospice team about resources available to your family or finally saying yes when a friend offers to bring dinner.
Often, it’s a combination of several things.
Build a Care Team Instead of Trying to Become One
You do not have to become the nurse, caregiver, cook, care coordinator, emotional support system, and family decision-maker all at once.
There are people whose entire careers are dedicated to helping families through different parts of this experience.
Hospice professionals provide specialized medical and interdisciplinary care for people nearing the end of life. Professional caregivers can help with everyday needs at home. Social workers, counselors, spiritual care providers, support groups, family, and friends can provide other forms of support.
The goal isn’t for one person or one service to do everything. It’s to surround your family with the right support for what you’re facing.
And don’t forget about the person everyone is depending on.
Caregiving can affect your sleep, relationships, career, physical health, and emotional well-being. When someone’s health is declining, you may also find yourself grieving before you’ve actually lost them.
You can love someone deeply and still feel tired, scared, frustrated, or overwhelmed.
Needing help doesn’t change that love.
Think About the Gaps Before There Is a Crisis
Here’s one practical exercise I encourage families to do.
Think through an ordinary week.
Who is available during the day? Who can help at night? Who handles meals and personal care? Who communicates with the care team? Who gives the primary caregiver a break?
And then ask:
What happens at 2 a.m.?
You don’t need a perfect plan for every possible scenario. But questions like these can reveal where your family needs additional support before you’re forced to make decisions in the middle of a crisis.
Technology can be useful here, too.
One resource I’ve become passionate about is Electronic Caregiver, which offers tools such as emergency response, GPS services, health monitoring, and virtual support.
I don’t believe technology replaces people. A device can’t hold someone’s hand, and it can’t replace a caregiver, family member, or hospice professional.
Instead, I encourage families to ask: What problem are we trying to solve?
If technology can provide another layer of safety, connection, or reassurance, it can become one helpful part of a much larger care plan.
Don’t Forget to Be Their Family
Don’t Forget to Be Their FamilyWhen someone’s needs increase, it is easy for your relationship with them to become a checklist.
Did you eat?
Did you take your medication?
When is the nurse coming?
Do you need help getting up?
Those are acts of love. But you are still their daughter. Their son. Their spouse. Their friend.
Sometimes accepting help with caregiving gives you something incredibly valuable in return: the ability to simply be with the person you love.
Sit with them.
Play their favorite music. Look through old photographs. Talk about something that has nothing to do with their health. Hold their hand. Laugh when there is something to laugh about.
Let someone else handle dinner.
There is no perfect way to walk through this season. Some days you may feel grateful to be there, and other days you may feel completely overwhelmed. Both can be true.
Ask questions. Accept help. Learn about your options before you desperately need them. Build a circle around your family.
Most importantly, don’t become so consumed with doing everything right that you miss the person in front of you.
A Place for Caregivers, Too
So much of caregiving focuses on the person receiving care. I wanted to create something for the person doing the caring, too.
That’s why I created Caregiver Corner.
It’s where I share practical caregiving resources, advice, and honest conversations about the parts of caregiving that don’t always get talked about.
If you’re caring for an aging loved one, sign up for the Caregiver Corner newsletter to receive caregiving resources and advice directly from me.
You spend so much time taking care of everyone else. You deserve to have support in your corner, too.
About Meghan Phelan
Meghan Phelan is an elder care expert, caregiver advocate, and Alzheimer’s educator with nearly two decades of experience helping older adults and their families navigate aging and caregiving. She is the owner and CEO of Granny NANNIES of South Florida and an Alzheimer’s Association community educator and support group facilitator. Through her personal platform and Caregiver Corner, Meghan shares resources and education to help caregivers feel more informed and supported.
